Change is a’coming

This will be my last blog post ever.

On this site.

JordanHarrell.com will be (hopefully) going LIVE (I feel like Ryan Seacrest right now…) on Monday. This is all very exciting/terrifying/vulnerable/terrifying/please keep loving me.

Please know, I am not nearly as narcissistic as the new web address implies. It’s something about marketing and simplicity and easy-to-find-ness. Know what I mean?

What this means for you:

• If you are a subscriber to clarkandjordan.wordpress.com or jordanwritesstuff.com (same thing), you will no longer be receiving emails because I’m no longer operating here. Monday, head over to jordanharrell.com and subscribe THERE. Easy peasy.
• That’s about it. I don’t know why I need bullet points.

You guys, a big ol’ thank you note is heading your way on Monday. Just prepare yourself for how much I love you.

Also, I have free things.

Until then…

 

 

The Power of Imperfection

I’m a laid-back perfectionist. Seriously, it’s a thing. I am completely at peace going out in public looking like I just got electrocuted in the shower, fully clothed, while cutting my hair, but I won’t even attempt (fill-in-the-blank) if there’s a small chance of failure. I don’t know if that’s being a perfectionist or just a coward.

Being the type of person that has to excel at everything, while also being a stay-at-home-mom, while also being a terrible homemaker (i.e. the current state of my kitchen) is like putting lots of bad ingredients into a blender and turning it on without a lid. It didn’t take long for my s*** to splash everywhere.

When I got married, I realized very quickly that I wasn’t the perfect wife. It was shocking to no one but me. Much to my dismay, I wasn’t as good of a cook as I’d planned on being; I wasn’t as good of a hostess as I’d planned on being; I wasn’t as good of a decorator as I’d planned on being; I wasn’t as good of a housekeeper as I’d planned on being. Poor Clark. Heaven help that man if he pointed out a sock on the floor because STOP TELLING ME I’M A TERRIBLE WI-HI-HI-HIIIFE.

Then came kids, and all the grand ideas that would win me “Best Mom Ever” and my children “Best Raised Children Ever” started bubbling up within me. I just knew I’d craft the Holy Spirit right into them, install an incredibly spiritual and relaxing bedtime routine, and make whimsical memories, guys, every single day, all while maintaining an adorably immaculate home.

So when I never really got around to doing a daily craft and bedtime almost always ended with “GET. IN. BED. RIGHT. NOW.” through gritted teeth and all the most prominent memories seemed to involve tantrums or poop and my home was hardly adorable and never clean, the perfectionist in me (whom I lovingly refer to as Satan) started to whisper things…

Every other mom is doing more than you. And doing it better

They won’t turn out okay if you keep this up.

He couldn’t possibly love someone that can’t get their crap together.

You are ruining this.

You are SO not enough.

 

About a bajillion years ago, God chose Gideon to save the Israelites. In the story (Judges 6-8), Gideon is not so sure God chose the right person for the job and asks God to prove it… twice.

(Ahem. YES. That would be me. *hand raised* Another blog, another day.)

Once Gideon realizes that God’s not messin’ around, he gathers up as many men as he can find to go defeat the Midianites’ army of 135,000. He’s feeling a little meager at 32,000, but trusts that God is with him and heads out anyway.

He’s already an underdog. This is already destined to be a Cinderella story. Gideon’s army is like the Butler of the Bible.

But GUESS WHAT?? God sees that underdog army and tells him, “You have TOO MANY men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her…” get rid of some.

There are too many, he says. The victory might be mistaken for a triumph of your own strength, he says. GET RID OF SOME, he says.

You want to see me work? You want to know I’m here? You want to know how much I love you and am for you?

Get rid of some. Get them out of my way.

Gideon sheds 22,000 men. He is now down to 10,000 soldiers to battle the Midianites.

So get this. God says, BRO … “There are still too many men.” It is still possible that victory could mistakenly be attributed to your army. GET RID OF SOME MORE. So Gideon siphons them down to a mere three hundred.

God tells Gideon to take THREE HUNDRED men to battle against an army of ONE HUNDRED THIRTY-FIVE THOUSAND.

300 to 135,000.

As a former sixth-grade math teacher, I can reduce like a boss: that is ONE to every 450.

 

Sometimes, when I look at my three children and my husband, they seem like 135,000 Midianites, which would explain the mess in my living room. I feel the need to muster all my own strength, do more, try harder, power through.

I plan and plot ways to guarantee victory, guarantee perfection in my children, in my marriage,

but then the Lord gently reminds me,

Stop striving. Stop working so hard to do this all on your own.

Trust me to do my job. 

In the end, when this is all said and done,

I want you to be able to see MY glory. Not yours.

SO GET RID OF SOME. GET OUT OF MY WAY.

 

That part about not being enough? It’s true. I’m absolutely not enough. I can’t do it all. God intended it that way. He created me. He purposefully placed gaps, imperfections, in me so that he might come fill them, if I’d only let him.

I wasn’t created to do it all because I wasn’t created to get all the glory. 

My imperfection magnifies his perfection.

My incompleteness points to his completeness.

My insufficiencies create space for him to work.

I can use them as a megaphone to shout,

“My God covers it all, fills it all, does it all, because I tried and I can’t. ANYTHING good that happens here, that was not me, that was Him.” 

 

Mamas, if you’re floundering and flailing, if you’re gasping for air, stop trying to fill your own gaps by doing more and trying harder. You can’t. You won’t fit. Just get out of his way and make space for Him.

Then, he can display his power.

Then, you can find his peace.

 

Raising a family, one that makes it to the other side loving the Lord and liking each other, that would take much more than a clean house and a perfect mom. That would take a miracle.

A miracle. Like if an army of 300 defeated 135,000. Something like that.

 

 

 

Preparing for Kindergarten, According to a Kindergarten Teacher

If you want to start from the beginning, check out Part 1.

I have no doubt that my mother is answering a specific calling and has been gifted accordingly. I will try not to gush too much because she will be mortified if I do, but let’s just say… Mrs. Reese has a reputation. She’s in her twenty-first year of teaching kindergarten, with a few more in third and first-grade. Until her campus got an Instructional Coordinator two years ago, she was the GT (Gifted & Talented) coordinator campus-wide. She’s won awards for being amazing and all that jazz. Bottom line: SHE KNOWS HER STUFF.

In terms of the academic pressures parents of preschoolers feel, my mom has reassured me many times and put my anxieties to rest. I felt it selfish not to offer you that same peace.

So friends, these are Mrs. Reese’s thoughts on prepping for kindergarten at home:

1. When people ask you what they need to do to get their child ready for kindergarten, what do you tell them?

• Read! Read! Read! Make it fun. Go to the library; go to story time; make it a part of your daily routine. Ask a few questions as you read that are higher level: not just “What color is her dress ?” but open-ended questions like, “What would happen if…” Oral storytelling is important too. Tell them stories about your life when you were little, stories about their grandparents, make up silly stories, etc.

• Put your phones away. Talk to them. Have conversations. Spend time together. It doesn’t have to cost money or be thrilling. Play games together and take walks. Instead of handing them your phone to distract them in the grocery store, discuss what you’re buying and why, compare the cereals, fruit, meat, ask their opinion, describe everything. Instead of turning on a movie every time they climb into the car, talk about all the things they see outside. Language is so important. 

• Stress behavior. What would Jesus want you to do? What does it mean to be kind—how does it look? How does it sound? How does it feel, to you and to the other person? Children who know how to treat others are miles ahead of the class!

• Model thankfulness. For everything– when things are good and bad. Ungratefulness is innate in children. They have to be taught contentment and gratitude, things like saying “thank-you” when they get one cookie, instead of complaining about not getting two. Explain to them how that makes you feel.

• Practice teamwork. Make sure your children help around the house. Give them jobs and responsibilities. Emphasize the idea of being a “team.” Let them do things for themselves and praise them when they are independent. Doing everything for them is not doing them any favors.

• Create structure in your day. Kindergarten will be a much easier transition if they are accustomed to routines and schedules. Have a set bedtime and rest time. Children appreciate clear expectations, followed closely by clear consequences.

2. Other than being “smart,” what characteristics are most helpful for a child’s success in the classroom?

Ability to get along with other children—to share and be kind. They’re five and very egocentric. They truly believe the whole world revolves around them. But parents need to constantly teach and reinforce that we care about others; we think about how others are feeling; we have empathy for others. That’s a word we discuss constantly in the classroom. How would that have made you feel? That is how you made him feel. Try to help them understand that actions can be hurtful, that words can be hurtful.

Children learn by watching — so if parents create a narcissistic environment in their home, kids will follow suit. If they see that their parents care about others and treat others with respect and compassion, they will too.

3. What about the characteristics that are the most challenging?

I’m fine with children who don’t know their letters. I’m fine with children who can’t count. I’m even okay with children who can’t sit still. What is so hard is children who will not obey and don’t think they have to obey, children who have no concept of authority. It’s obvious that they run their homes. I have had parents tell me, “We don’t know what to do. He just won’t do what we say.” If that continues, you are not helping your child in any way. You are setting your child up for struggle.

4. What advice do you give your parents that are struggling with discipline at home?

I tell them about a conversation I had with a wise mentor when I was a young mom. He told me, “You have until about five or six-years-old to teach behavior. After that, it is an uphill battle.” And he was right. After those ages, it gets really hard to undo bad habits and disrespectful attitudes.

Children need to know from the very beginning who is in charge, who is the boss. They need to know the precise unacceptable behaviors and KNOW that if they do those things, there will be consequences (not threats). Every. Single. Time.

Don’t be afraid to start over!! If you find that you haven’t done that well, it’s okay to sit him/her down and say, “Listen. Mommy and Daddy have not done a great job of making clear what kinds of behaviors we expect from you and what is unacceptable. We are sorry. But we are going to be making some changes and from now on…. ” and establish some family rules and definite consequences for breaking those rules.

Kids appreciate structure, boundaries, clear expectations. They feel safe and secure when they know someone else is in charge. Chaos is not only hard for the parent, it’s detrimental to the child.

Practice what you preach. Are you telling them it’s important to read, but then watching TV all day or playing on the computer? Are you encouraging them to be kind, but then you are unkind to others in front of them? They will pick up more on what you DO than what you SAY. If you want them to have integrity, you must have it first.

Lastly, ask for help. If you have done everything you know to do, go to someone else. Seek out a wise friend, a counselor, a doctor, someone that can give you some guidance so that you can fix this now, rather than in the teen years when the consequences are much weightier.

5. Have you seen students benefit from an atmosphere at home that emphasized play rather than instruction?

A couple of years ago I had the daughter of an Early-Childhood Education professor at the local university (and was a bit intimidated). When we did our beginning of the year assessment, I was shocked to find that she didn’t know all her letters. She probably didn’t know half of them. I was so proud of her mother. When I asked her about it, she explained, “She just wasn’t interested. She wanted to play, and I knew that was what her little brain needed anyway, so I never pushed it.” By the end of the year, she was reading at a 2nd grade level and tested as “Gifted and Talented.” AND she was well-liked because she had developed valuable social skills while playing — like sharing and being kind. She didn’t need to be working on phonics as a 4-year-old. When it clicks, it clicks. And it will click. You don’t have to push it. Before they are 6, let them be 5. Before they are 5, let them be 4.

6. When looking back at students that later flourished, can you identify common themes among them?

One thing Jim [her husband, my dad] and I identified was the ability to stick with hard tasks: perseverance and GRIT. We’ve both read a couple of books emphasizing that our current testing systems are failing us because they only measure one thing – academic intelligence, which is a very narrow lens and does not accurately measure potential. We don’t take into account integrity and character, which are just as, if not more so, crucial to success than IQ.

I’ve seen that when learning comes naturally to a student, they get accustomed to it being easy, so when they are faced with difficulty, the willingness to keep trying and push through frustration is more indicative of long-term success to me than if they can get stuff on their first try. Eventually they will be faced with hard stuff. How will they respond? Kids that keep trying and don’t give up surpass everybody!

 

I hope this puts some minds at ease, specifically if you feel like your child is trailing academically at three-years-old. He is learning. She is learning. They are just doing it in their own way, not ours.

When it comes to the anxieties of motherhood, my mother is my Xanax. I pick her brain all the time and am so glad I could share her with you. If you have any bonus questions, send them my why. I’ll be happy to get back to you with her answer, or do a “Part 3.”

To the Mom Whose Hands Are Full

If I had a nickel for every time I heard, “Man, you’ve got your hands full,” I could guiltlessly go to Target a lot more often. I hear it pretty much every time I go to the grocery store, every football game we attend, or just anytime I venture out into the world with all three in tow. You would think I had a go-to witty remark tucked into my back pocket, but instead I just laugh and say something like, “Yep. Sure do. They’re pretty sweet, though.” Lame.

Yes, my hands are full. I am usually holding at least one child and holding the hands of the other two (it’s just as awkward as it sounds). I usually have a backpack or a diaper bag or a baby doll or a half eaten granola bar, a paci, a blankie, perhaps a stuffed animal. On really great days, all of the above. There’s a good chance that no one has had their hair brushed, that one child is missing an article of clothing (usually pants), or that another is dressed like a superhero princess. There’s an excellent chance that one is crying, probably two, sometimes three, and even perhaps the whole lot of us, me included. We are a disheveled mess of a bunch. No wonder they think my hands are full.

It’s easy for me to only recognize the difficulty in having full hands, the inconveniences and challenges, the discomfort of it. It’s easy for me to see it as a negative: ugh, my hands are SO FULL. 

But the other day someone shouted to “GET TOGETHER! LET’S TAKE A PICTURE!” My kids were running around or had been scooped up by someone else and I froze. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. They were empty. I felt like holding up my bare palms to stare at them like, WHAT ARE THESE THINGS? WHAT ARE THEY CALLED? As the photographer counted “1, 2, …” I panicked. What do I do with these? Where do I put them? Do I do the chicken wing thing or stick them in my pockets (nope. definitely a bad choice.) or let them hang limply by my sides? WHY ARE ARMS SO DADGUM LONG?

I realized, I have found comfort in full hands. Children and the accessories of motherhood have become so much a part of my normal that empty hands feels more like emptiness.

And then it hit me: pretty soon, my hands will be empty. What am I going to do?

I am not a sentimental person. I’m not great at soaking things up, not because I hate my present stage but because I get so lost in my everyday. But man, as I was looking at that picture of myself later I couldn’t help but stare at my empty hands just … hanging there, kidless. And I got so emotional.

Our lives are defined by seasons. As sure as the mama bear comes out of hibernation, we mamas are going to reemerge from these caves we’ve been cooped up in for what feels like forever.

But it’s not forever. It’s a very short season.

We are so close to returning to civilization, our hands totally free. They will no longer be filled with a tiny hand as you cross the street or with that squishy little body in the rocking chair; we won’t have to use them to spoon-feed a mouth or turn the pages of a book; we won’t use them to haul around a bag full of 18,000 essentials or to clean up twice as many messes. Someday, we will be able to leave the house without tying everyone’s shoes, brushing everyone’s hair (optional*), and buckling everyone’s seatbelt. Just like all seasons do, this one will end.

 

Then what? What will we do with our hands?

Pray.

We will pray that we didn’t totally jack them up, that the foundation we laid was solid. We will pray that they acquire equal parts selflessness and boldness. We we will pray for their safety because this world is terrifying sometimes, and then cry out for God to take that fear away because it is not from him.

Raise them high.

We will praise him that he picked us for this job. We will thank him for helping us survive that crap shoot. We will reach high, hoping to feel his grace pour over us and cover all the many doubts we have about how well we did, and then let him remind us of all the things we did SO well.

Reach out and serve.

God uses our current seasons to prepare us for our next. If there is anything motherhood prepares you for, it’s laying down your wants to serve the needs of others. We have honed valuable skills, one being finding a way to love people that prove themselves very unloveable at times. That, my friends, is essential in the real world.

 

Yes, my hands are full. Your hands are probably full, too. But they will only be full for so long. So as we bend over to pick up another pair of dirty underwear off the floor, another toy that stabbed the bottom of our foot, another crying baby out of the crib, let us cherish that load they carry now.